I’m Not Happy

I am not happy.  I feel like people don’t admit that out loud anymore. Social media has trained us to only show the best parts of ourselves and “show off” how great our lives are.  I want to make clear that I’m not unhappy in a devastating way; it’s more of a general blasé glaze than anything.  I am a sensitive person and I feel things very deeply. I’ve been told over and over since I was 6 or 7 that it was a flaw and something to be ashamed of and gotten rid of.  The older I’ve gotten the more I’ve found it to be strength. It’s a barometer and my sensitivity tends to tell me when things aren’t right.

I feel exhausted.  I’m tired of pushing myself to do every last thing.  It seems like almost everyone in my life, at one time or another has commented on how busy I am – how my husband and I always have something to do, somewhere to be. This is going to sound like I’m tooting my horn but I assure you, that’s not my intention, I am constantly striving to be all things to all people.  If you are my friend, there is no limit to the hats I will try to wear for you. That is not to say that I’ve always succeeded at it or that I think I’m the best friend in the world. All I’m trying to say is that to me, it feels wrong to do anything but to put everyone else first.  I’ve just always felt like that’s the way it’s supposed to be. Even talking about this feels inherently wrong to me, like I’m a selfish asshole for suggesting that I might need to take more time for myself.

I’ve never really been afraid to stand up for myself or others when I feel I or the people I care about are being taken advantage of.  But there’s usually a lot of crying (by myself) involved and it doesn’t generally go very well. Over this past summer right up until this present moment I have agonized over certain aspects of my life. I have hemmed and hawed, cried and screamed, changed my mind a million times. The whole time that sensitive part of me I has been quietly tapping me on the shoulder trying to get my full attention. It’s been trying to tell me that I feel unappreciated, poorly treated, and generally miserable.  Some of it is my own doing for swallowing feelings, pushing thoughts aside, and holding onto resentments by being lazy and complacent.  Some of it is definitely not.

I have become addicted to my phone.  I check instagram and Facebook multiple times a day.  I get way too caught up in it. It clearly affects my mood and general well-being in a marked way.  It feels like a shameful thing to admit how much time I spend on social media and how strongly it impacts me.  I’ve taken breaks from Facebook in the past, either deactivated my account temporarily or had my husband change my password so I’m incapable of logging in. I’ve felt wonderful during those time periods – if a little disconnected and out of the loop.  It may be time to do that again and try to refocus.

I’m participating in a Holiday Fit-Mas Challenge for the month of December with Nicole Culver and Blissful Eats.  It requires contribution to a Facebook group and I think I’ve considered making a new Facebook that I can use just to participate in that – no news feed to waste time scrolling through, nothing to obsess over. When I get home at night I plan to put my phone down on our desk and leave it there so I can be engaged in everything going on at home.  We can’t force people to regard us in the way we’d hoped or as strongly as we regard them.  People change, life goes on, and it’s all ok. When it all becomes too much I need to remember to take a deep breath, take a big step back, and alter my direction.

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